It's probably a bad idea to write a post when I'm feeling totally spent and at my wit's end, but I think it's
cheaper than therapy, so here goes.
I am done with this week. The two small people who I am simply trying to mold into good human beings are driving me up a wall. My patience is gone, my nerves are shot, and I just feel in a funk. Even scoring some crazy good deals in the Lilly Pulitzer Endless Summer Sale hasn't perked me up,.
It hasn't been any one thing. Just a culmination of things. Like Davis pushing other kids at the gym this morning. Or Ava saying she wouldn't clean her room. Or Davis yelling at Ava. Or vice versa. Or one of them hitting the other. Or even Davis hitting me. Argh. How did it come to this? I don't think I'm a total failure as a parent, but that's how I'm feeling these days. It's as if the harder I try, the worse things get.
The night ended badly for Ava. Davis was wiped out and went to bed with no problem. In fact, the last couple of hours of the day were quite pleasant with him. He wanted more books than I was willing to read, but that's normal, and frankly, expected. No negative response when I said no.
Ava, however, got her bedtime knocked back 15 minutes when she copped a 'tude about cleaning her room. It wasn't even all that messy.....just a few things on the floor that needed to be put away. She said she would like for me to help her. Well, I was bathing Davis, so I couldn't. Plus, I felt quite confident that at age 7, she could handle it. There was lots of sass the whole time, and after a threat or 2, I backed her bedtime to 7:45.
So, things go well until then, and that's when the drama began. She didn't balk at the actual hour. In fact, she seemed fine with it, which leads me to believe 7:45 needs to be her bedtime now that school is about to start. She wanted me to read her a book, but then got so ugly about it. I gave her several chances to correct herself, and when she failed to do so, I announced that there would be no reading, and that it was time for lights out.
Cue massive eruption. Think Vesuvius. Ugly. REAL ugly.
She settled down, but by the time all that was over, I just felt DONE.
It all makes me sad because I hate to wish the days away when the years go by so quickly. Really, though, summer has now lasted about a week too long. My kids need separation from each other, and they need the routine that the school year brings. I need the breaks that their being in school gives me. Maybe that's not the nicest thing to say, but it's honest, and I know that those breaks make me a better parent.
I'm trying really hard to enjoy these last few days of summer and make things fun, but I can't help but think it would be easier with some high doses of anti-anxiety medication.